This question always seems to get asked when you become a parent, sooner than later you will inevitably hear it.
There must be some kind of law (which I don't know about) that obliges your relatives, your neighbors, your baker or the cashier at the bank to ask you in a more or less direct way after you have given birth. After your uterus has just recovered from 9 months of good and loyal service to your family, it would be wise (in their humble opinion), to get back to work, so that the your son does not get too used to you being around. We shouldn't want to let him grow up attached.
You are asked the question a lot actually, with a more or less cunning approach:
"How many children do you want?"
According to the answer, they will make it clear that it might be too late because you are almost thirty (I am actually 27), menopause really sets in quickly in these peoples' opinion! Depending on who I have in front of me, I fluctuate between one and ten. Each time, the opinion is the same, and it makes me laugh. I imagine them then thinking I'm either the most selfish person in the world, or that I really do not know what I am talking about. Ten kids! In any case, every time the case is closed …
"Well, when is he getting a brother?"
Ah, you got me there. How about tomorrow?! You can tell that I am pregnant can't you? You can see that I am pregnant can't you?
There are these people who, if you have a boy, will ask you for when the little brother is due, and if you have a daughter when you plan to give her a little sister. Yes, because if you have a boy first, you'll have another boy, it's just the way the math adds up. Right?
You'll notice the their impatience, and with impatience, the importance than you get busy while your son is still less than two old, it would be a matter bad parenting to stretch the age gap beyond that, they may not connect after all!
"Too bad he couldn't be a girl, I wish there was a girl in this family."
Yes, it's true, our baby happens to be a little boy. I know it sucked that it turned out to be a boy, we tried, really we did. When he popped out we were both shocked! Shocked I tell you, because we didn't know the gender beforehand and would have picked a different color had we have known. When they told us we asked if we could exchange him for a girl. But, those doctors, they did not want to exchange him for us … So now we're left with only one option, make a girl. We even saw a tutorial on the internet, it seemed complicated to say the least! I … well it's better if I leave it up to your imagination, but it is needless to say that it's mostly safe.
This question has the ability of horrifying me. Are people aware of what they are saying? I have not been able to answer that to this day….
"You're young, enjoy it! We don't have the same patience when the second one is there."
This one, is sneaky, smart and cunning. This little sentence, in spite of itself, makes you CRINGE!
I procrastinate on trivial questions that we have all heard, or that we will all hear one day. The real hidden question that one asks after the family interrogation, is much deeper than that. I ask myself every day, it anguishes me and scares me. It even makes me cry at times.
Would I be able to love a child other than our son?
When I think about my baby and his happiness, the one who gave me the desire to live, who made me want to overcome myself and become a better person, the one who I am today. Well….
Our child will forever remain this special child, the one on whom I have based possibly too many hopes. And although I am aware of the weight I put on his tiny shoulders, this is the treasure of my life and I am afraid that I cannot love another child as I love him.
Even today, I think that to have a second child would be to betray him. I don't see myself looking after another child, though I would in the event that one came into our lives. I don't see myself having to tell him to wait because his little brother or sister is crying and needs to be fed. I don't want to make him wait, tell him that it's everyone's turn, that he'll have a hug or my attention afterwards. He, to whom I give all my attention, all my love, should end up with only half of my attention?
If you have a more than one child I have a few questions for you:
- How can you love a second child so much?
- How do we do that?
- Should I share my love?
- Love the first one less?
I will always love my son with unconditional love, how does that work while learning to love another child? Will this love be so strong? As parents can we love so strongly twice?
So many questions in my head that are voiced through family "pressure," sometimes heavy with a growing desire to push me in the direction that they want us to go. Would I like a second child? I would like a second child, but how do I do that?
As it stands I feel like I am jumping from rock to rock with on each one of these new existential questions that scare, the next one more than the last.
This ambiguous fear where I go from here scares me and the thought of love divided anguishes me to the utmost level of my soul.
To this day, I do not yet have the answer to all these questions although they try to reassure me, and these questions are growing because I remain a human being with instincts and desires.