I believe hard in the magic of Christmas, the twinkling in the eyes of children and adults alike. I believe in the excitement and joy of our families around the Christmas tree looking for presents to see what Santa brought. I believe in all these little wonders that we have for our loved ones. I can even tell you that I still believe in Santa Claus. I am adult, who marvels at the lights flashing in the streets, on houses, one who cannot stop smiling when she hears a Christmas carol.
I feel this fervor rising in me as early as October with this intrepid impatience to look for the gift that will please one family member or another. I think about what I can offer them to thank them for their love and support. I think of my Christmas tree, which is decorated over every square inch, with all these decorations that I've been collecting over the last few years now. I can't wait to see the reaction of our son, or to the heaps of presents that await him. I can't wait for Christmas eve, to hear laughter, lively conversations and jokes intertwine around the family dinner that we will complain about for days afterwards for giving us indigestion (because we ate too much).
I love Christmas! No, really I love Christmas, I can't and will never deny it.
Around us, and perhaps around you, there is a kind of curse that drags at us all, haunts us and brings us back, every year, to reality. A kind of anathema thrown at us and/or our loved ones that reminds us tirelessly that life is still going on.
This curse, this year, has set its sights on us. I thought we would escape, our life being happy and full of love. But no, he found a way to interfere in our daily lives and in those who asked for nothing more than a little peace.
I'm not trying here to justify my absence from the site as of late, but I have to explain other things have gradually taken precedence over my desire to write.
As my mother-in-law would say, "I wish that November would be disappear from the calender!" I think she is right. And it is clearer to me now over the years, that she is entirely right.
You may know, I'm suffering from back pain, lower back spinal pain, which has been a part of my life for a few years now. Lately, the pain has been more daunting than usual, becoming more and more terrible throughout the month of November, more and more frequent than in past years.I have been having indeterminate periods which are so bad they have forced me to act like a person with reduced mobility, making everyday gestures virtually intolerable.
I can't get dressed some day on my own anymore, my husband helps me in the morning before work. I can't change or wash my son, my husband does it in the morning before he goes to work. Then the Grandmas help during the day. Putting him in bed has sometimes become totally impossible for me. And it breaks my heart. It is so bad at times I just want to curl up in the corner and disappear. There are days when even walking without support is too much for me and I spend the day in bed.
I decided a long time ago that there will be no complaints from me, learning how to deal with it, for my husband but especially for our child. I just need time to swallow the pill one more time, grit my teeth, and see that it is just another tests in life's journey. I look at it with optimism and think that maybe it's not that bad, it could always be worse, self pity is a dangerous trap that muddies the water and makes you forget what you have to be thankful for in your life.
In the meantime, our parents, my sister, our friends and my husband (aka Mr. Perfect) are just there, present, listening and it feels awful when they see my like this. They take every groan seriously, they listen to my fear of the future and I thank them for being there.
I'm not alone, love surrounds me. That's probably the magic of Christmas as well…
I love this season.